5 reasons why Gandalf is better than Jesus

I have often thought that what we worship is mostly luck and timing, and if The Lord of the Rings was printed on the Dead Sea Scrolls we would be worshipping Gandalf, Sam and Frodo instead of Isaiah, David and Jesus. That being said, I just think Gandalf has it all over Jesus in a head to head comparison. Let's break it down:

1) Gandalf was resurrected and actually completed his task.

Jesus promised his disciples he would return within their lifetimes (Mark 9:1). Whoopsie. Gandalf came back in the middle of the second book. Take that, Mormons!

2) Bread, fish and wine vs. weed and fireworks? No contest.

I'm sure both these gentlemen were fun at parties. Anyone who can keep the party going after the food and drink has run out has hero potential. However, fireworks that turn into life-sized dragons, especially on a halfling leaf bender? I think the wizard gets the edge on coolness.

3) Jesus' friends were all kinda douchebags.

You think Aragorn would have fallen asleep in Gethsemane? You think Gimli would have denied Gandalf 3 times? You think Legolas would have gone to Saruman for 30 pieces of silver?

With friends like Peter, John, James, and Judas, who needs enemas?

4) Gandalf slew his demon, Jesus just moved his into pigs.

Gandalf fell through multiple planes of existence to kill the Balrog. Jesus didn't eat for a couple of weeks in the desert. I mean, come on. Jesus only lasted 3 days on a cross. It usually takes weeks to die.

Jesus was sort of a pussy, seriously.

5) Sermon on the Mount vs. advice in Moria.

Well, the sermon on the mount is pretty good. I'll give ya that one. I won't bore you with the details of it, but Gandalf wins just on succinctness.

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

Very Zen, very Yoda-esque, and he didn't need a mount nor a multitude, just a word from the heart and a stalwart example.

So, there you go.