Waiting for direction.

I have worked with hundreds of directors in my lifetime. I can count the number of them that actually knew what they were talking about on one hand. Apparently, the only criteria for being a stage director are 1) a healthy loathing for music and/ or theater 2) a bucket of contempt for actors and singers 3) A reasonable amount of dupes so that one can pad the resume.

I was in a production of Carmen where the director thought it would be great if we did the Les Miserables march step in place during the finale of the act 3 chorus. Gypsies marching in lockstep, seriously. The director of Lucia di Lammermoor, right after the first musical read through ended, asked the cast to gather around the piano so that he could "hear how the first scene went". Direct quote. A very famous director, during a new production of Porgy and Bess, decided to the make entire cast sit on the front of the stage with their legs dangling off during their rousing rendition of "Oh, I can't sit down." My wife asked her if she was being ironic and the director asked her to take her poodles out for a pee. I have had numerous directors in numerous shows shove me into a scene that I was not supposed to be in, for the direct purpose of singing in the chorus, even if I wasn't chorus. In one of them, I had died in an earlier scene.

Recently, I had a Shakespearean director make an impassioned, hour-long speech about character preparation and motivation. We would be tested, he said, on the reasons we made certain choices, and not knowing was not acceptable. In the next rehearsal, he had us beat up a character for no reason, out of nowhere. "Grab some stuff, put it on him, twirl him if you want, tie him up, leave him." I asked if we could add something earlier in the show that would set up this seemingly random action so that it would make sense. "Yeah, that would be great. Do whatever." Three days of "whatever" later, we had an impassioned, hour long speech about only doing what the director tells you. Improv is not acceptable. Thanks, Shakespeare guy.

Now I'm doing a musical with a director who thinks the show is crap, and therefore we must nod and wink ourselves through the entire production. Hey audience, we GET it! It's CRAP, see? Wink, wink. Have a hackneyed cliché and some choreography from Music Man! Oh, and by the way, we need you to sing in the chorus.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? If they hate the art form so much, why do they do it? What's wrong with a tiny bit of research, and maybe just a teensie bit of continuity? I love anachronisms as much as the next guy, but I loathe it as a directing style.

Of course, this leads to the question, "OK, dipshit, if you know so much, why don't you direct?"

Frankly, I'd love to. I don't know how to get started, but I think I have the requisite amount of contempt, especially if I had a couple of directors in the cast.